My Holiday
Now hear me out on this one as it might sound abit soppy at first but I'm going somewhere with it.
Every year I go on two holidays. One to a foreign country, and one here in sunny England.
This year, as was with the last, I'm going to return to Turkey in the Summer, and in a few weekends I'm heading to newquay for some surfing. Everytime I go on a holiday I imagine meeting them women you hear about in books, or dream about when you've conked out after too much to drink. Those women who you will somehow meet, chat up and then end up falling for. When you leave your holiday you feel like you left some of yourself behind, and it makes the whole experience seem worthwhile, if only to tell all your male friends about your wild holiday with all its sex and parties. Now this is the point where you wake up and realize that none of this ever happens in today's world. In fact IM sure if I put some hard thought into it, I can statistically work out exactly how likely the above situation is........
*sounds of thought*..........
*difficult one this is*..........
*lottery, sex, perfect woman, beer*..........
*AHA ! We have it*........
The following situation is in fact more likely to happen than the above one........
You take a trip away from the current missus as you think she is beginning to get intolerable but you can't divorce her as she'll strip you to the ground, so you tell her its business related and then go down to newquay with the lads.
You hit the beach with your extravagance and you all ending picking up a girl to take out that night when you go out on the lash. The night starts excellently and you start to get pretty drunk, you nudge past a butch woman at the bar who then precedes to continuously slap your arse until you end up telling her to go fuck herself, she then shouts down your ear "Im a fucking lesbian you prick ! How dare you say that me !" Two other butch ladys immediately surround you at the bar, beginning to feel the heat, you apologize and offer to buy her a drink, she asks your name, you reply "tom lenton". "ok" she says "ill let you off". After a short downer moment you continue to dance your way to dawn, when suddenly a small child runs past and slips your wallet out of your back pocket and pegs it off out the club, "SHIT!FUCK! BASTARD" you say to yourself, but you remember that you only had another tenner in their anyway so it doesnt matter as much and your too drunk to care anyways.
After the club closes you take your girl back to the hotel room and proceed to give her all the satisfaction she deserves, you go at it all night with her screaming to high heaven every minute or so ! "What a holiday !" you say to yourself, as morning comes and you wake to see her naked body lying there. You don't wish to wake her so you creep into the shower. You emerge fifteen minutes later to find her up and packing your stuff into a suitcase, you ask what's going on and she screams "Get the fuck away from me you fucking rapist prick ! Get out im gonna call the police" You raped me ! At this point the hotel staff overhear and run in your room grab you and throw out. You sit in the hotel lobby wondering what on earth to do when you see a familiar face, the child who robbed you last night is just strolling past right in front of you. You get up and grab the boy by the shoulders and demand that he hand your wallet back to you, he starts struggling to get away and begins to yell for help. Several minutes later he falls to the floor and begins to cry, just at this moment two police officers walk by and notice the scene, they run over, wrestle you to the ground and handcuff you, "fucking child abuser" they call you, then your sex partner of the night emerges from the hotel elevator and sees you, she strolls up to the officers and tells them of her nightmare ordeal with you last night, by now the officers think they may have landed one britains top ten criminals, "A rapist aswell !" they snigger, "Were gonna be famous" The other officer replys.
As they drag you out to the police car, a butch woman walks by you and laughs in your face. You just look down at the floor too ashamed to speak.
The police begin to question you in the car, "What's your name ?", "Tom Lenton" you answer. "Hmm..."..........
....
"Your on the missing persons list !".......
"Oh yes we have caught a big one this time johnny!"...........
"It says you also tried to start a homophobic fight in a bar last night aswell !!!!"
Immediately thoughts of the butch lady enter your head"bitch!" you say to yourself.
Anyway to cut the story short, your wife found out you werent working and divorced you for all the crap you put her through, you lose a house, car and two beautiful daughters. AND your also a suspected rapist, child abuser, and homophobe.
"What a holiday" you murmer.............
THE ABOVE SITUATION IS MORE LIKELY THAN IS THE ONE AT THE TOP OF THIS POST !
Welcome to the MATRIARCHY ! You woman hating bastards! lol!
Every year I go on two holidays. One to a foreign country, and one here in sunny England.
This year, as was with the last, I'm going to return to Turkey in the Summer, and in a few weekends I'm heading to newquay for some surfing. Everytime I go on a holiday I imagine meeting them women you hear about in books, or dream about when you've conked out after too much to drink. Those women who you will somehow meet, chat up and then end up falling for. When you leave your holiday you feel like you left some of yourself behind, and it makes the whole experience seem worthwhile, if only to tell all your male friends about your wild holiday with all its sex and parties. Now this is the point where you wake up and realize that none of this ever happens in today's world. In fact IM sure if I put some hard thought into it, I can statistically work out exactly how likely the above situation is........
*sounds of thought*..........
*difficult one this is*..........
*lottery, sex, perfect woman, beer*..........
*AHA ! We have it*........
The following situation is in fact more likely to happen than the above one........
You take a trip away from the current missus as you think she is beginning to get intolerable but you can't divorce her as she'll strip you to the ground, so you tell her its business related and then go down to newquay with the lads.
You hit the beach with your extravagance and you all ending picking up a girl to take out that night when you go out on the lash. The night starts excellently and you start to get pretty drunk, you nudge past a butch woman at the bar who then precedes to continuously slap your arse until you end up telling her to go fuck herself, she then shouts down your ear "Im a fucking lesbian you prick ! How dare you say that me !" Two other butch ladys immediately surround you at the bar, beginning to feel the heat, you apologize and offer to buy her a drink, she asks your name, you reply "tom lenton". "ok" she says "ill let you off". After a short downer moment you continue to dance your way to dawn, when suddenly a small child runs past and slips your wallet out of your back pocket and pegs it off out the club, "SHIT!FUCK! BASTARD" you say to yourself, but you remember that you only had another tenner in their anyway so it doesnt matter as much and your too drunk to care anyways.
After the club closes you take your girl back to the hotel room and proceed to give her all the satisfaction she deserves, you go at it all night with her screaming to high heaven every minute or so ! "What a holiday !" you say to yourself, as morning comes and you wake to see her naked body lying there. You don't wish to wake her so you creep into the shower. You emerge fifteen minutes later to find her up and packing your stuff into a suitcase, you ask what's going on and she screams "Get the fuck away from me you fucking rapist prick ! Get out im gonna call the police" You raped me ! At this point the hotel staff overhear and run in your room grab you and throw out. You sit in the hotel lobby wondering what on earth to do when you see a familiar face, the child who robbed you last night is just strolling past right in front of you. You get up and grab the boy by the shoulders and demand that he hand your wallet back to you, he starts struggling to get away and begins to yell for help. Several minutes later he falls to the floor and begins to cry, just at this moment two police officers walk by and notice the scene, they run over, wrestle you to the ground and handcuff you, "fucking child abuser" they call you, then your sex partner of the night emerges from the hotel elevator and sees you, she strolls up to the officers and tells them of her nightmare ordeal with you last night, by now the officers think they may have landed one britains top ten criminals, "A rapist aswell !" they snigger, "Were gonna be famous" The other officer replys.
As they drag you out to the police car, a butch woman walks by you and laughs in your face. You just look down at the floor too ashamed to speak.
The police begin to question you in the car, "What's your name ?", "Tom Lenton" you answer. "Hmm..."..........
....
"Your on the missing persons list !".......
"Oh yes we have caught a big one this time johnny!"...........
"It says you also tried to start a homophobic fight in a bar last night aswell !!!!"
Immediately thoughts of the butch lady enter your head"bitch!" you say to yourself.
Anyway to cut the story short, your wife found out you werent working and divorced you for all the crap you put her through, you lose a house, car and two beautiful daughters. AND your also a suspected rapist, child abuser, and homophobe.
"What a holiday" you murmer.............
THE ABOVE SITUATION IS MORE LIKELY THAN IS THE ONE AT THE TOP OF THIS POST !
Welcome to the MATRIARCHY ! You woman hating bastards! lol!
posted by Jay at 11:16 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home